Catherine
Welcome to the Loved Called Gifted Podcast. This is your place to come for musings about spirituality, identity and purpose. I'm your host, Catherine Cowell.

So I'm really, really chuffed to be joined by Olga Malarkey for this episode. Hi Olga, thank you so much for doing this.

Olga
Thank you so much for having me. I am so looking forward to us just having a chat.

Catherine
Yeah, no, that'd be really cool. So would you like to just introduce yourself, tell people who you are and where you are and what you're getting up to in the world

Olga
Yeah, so as you've mentioned, my name is Olga and I'm not from Russian heritage, although many people ask me that, having the name Olga. Yeah, my parents for generations were Irish, but my parents just loved the name, so decided to call me Olga. And I live in Antrim, but I'm from Dublin. So that's the accent that you're hearing. I've lived in different countries over time. I've lived in Australia and Scotland and came back to Dublin and now I live in the north of Ireland and I've done many different things over the years. from pastoring to nursing to training and equipping people. And now I'm currently working with a charity for the holistic children development across the world. In the majority worlds, partnering churches here with churches there. So that children get to have an opportunity for life and that poverty doesn't restrict them from that.

Catherine
That's brilliant. So what was it that drew you back to Ireland?

Olga
Well, I think there's probably like a homing device in all of us that draws us back at times to family and to friendships and I guess just a space Often we can feel very like at home in the space that we've been sort of brought up in. But really most of my movements have been often to do with ministry, I've moved around to different areas in response to God's call to minister.

Catherine
Yeah. I'm wondering having moved away what you particularly appreciate about Ireland being back?

Olga
Yeah, that's a good question. I love the heart of Irish people, North and South. I love our Celtic spirit I love the cry for freedom that is within the nation it's in the soil of the the land and it's in the people and I think you can really hear that expressed through our creative gifts through the poetry, through the like even when you think about like the Irish language, it's very melodic and it's very expressive and As a creative person, I'm just I love the artistic side of the Irish psyche and its capacity to give expression to things that might have felt like suppressed for seasons and maybe historically over time. So I guess coming back I've really enjoyed being around Irish culture and increasingly so. I really enjoy that. that's definitely part of what's drawn me back. And I I have a real passion for what God might want to do interdenominationally across the whole island of Ireland. That's something that's I'm very passionate about and quite involved in.

Catherine
Yeah. Interdenominational activity has not been a strong feature of Ireland, it would be fair to say

Olga
Yeah, and I feel like that God has been often very misrepresented in evangelical spaces or in how the gospel's been presented in different eras in Ireland and it's been often connected with things that didn't represent God well, like the presentation of the good news, maybe came with trappings that weren't very good for the recipients, you know. So I feel like there's so much to reclaim in that regard and for people to really encounter the goodness of God and his heart to love those he has created. So I'm always drawn to be involved in spaces where People get to encounter God in different ways. I'm very passionate about that.

Catherine
So in your own history, would you say that your encountering of God has shifted in that direction of more love?

Olga
Yeah, that's a really good question. So I feel for me personally, my mum had an experience of encountering God in a very real way when I was born. So growing up, I was introduced to Jesus in a very personal way. So I really have no memory of not knowing him in a loving capacity. As a Christian, you know, growing in a relationship with God, having, I guess, a biblical framework in life and been able to sort of connect with the character of God as revealed through the Bible and the texts and I've grown to understand and know God's heart and love and character in different ways and as I've faced challenges in my own life I had a physical healing. When I was 30, I had an illness from when I was 12 till I was 30 and I was miraculously healed, which was amazing. I encountered God's love. through the process of that, not just in the outcome in the end. And I I think I I got to experience God's character in very real and tangible ways through the challenge of that. But the joy of and the release of being healed and free and not having to take medicine every day and not having to have constant appointments with consultants in various continents, that was very freeing and liberating. And um so I've known in theory the love of God, I've known in practice the love of God and the experience of it. And I think that in challenge and really difficult situations, I mean that's just one example of lots of things in life that, you know, we all have challenges. But I love there's a verse that says that God's arm is not too short that he cannot save us. And there's like God's love can reach us in every space. There is no space that his love cannot reach us. And I have known that to be true in my own life. And I guess it's been as I've grown and matured, that's been a growing and maturing thing in me as well. But then it's so funny because in terms of the invitation to encounter God from a Christian perspective is to actually approach God in a very childlike way, you know, and not have obstacles and barriers and having to sort of rationalise everything. So we're even as we grow and mature, we're still invited to come with the posture of a child that's curious and bold and brave and Not put off by obstacles, but there has a capacity to receive. So I think, yeah. My experience of God's love has grown over time and when I reflect on it maybe it it sort of goes full circle and comes back to very childlike. just receiving of his love and that is nothing to do with what I do with him or for him or anything. It's his gift of grace is amazing. My final thought on this whole thing of the love of God is just that Hebrew word that's often used in the Old Testament to capture God's covenantal, faithful, loyal love Hessed, his Hessed love towards us. And even as I've sort of grown in my understanding and and knowledge of what that means, not just on paper, but in life and in reality, it's it's just amazing that God's love is it's encompasses so much for us. Like it's Unbreakable in the covenant that he's made for us towards us, that he's faithful, that he's loyal, that he's consistent, that he's abundant. And that his love actually challenges us and it grows us as well. So it's not just like a warm blanket, it's a bold love that I have definitely experienced and continue to and desperately need to operate in and out of the love of God.

Catherine
Thank you. As you were talking, I was thinking about, particularly kind of as you were sharing your experience of sort of of encountering God through healing, but also encountering God in the journey before the healing. I think that's really, really, really interesting. So you know, you were struggling from the age of twelve to the age of thirty. So it's not simplistic, is it? So kind of like there's eighteen years there of finding God in the midst of the difficulty. and also the experience of finding God in the healing.

Olga
Yeah.

Catherine
Yeah. So we got chatting at a spirituality conference, which was fabulous. I think you were the first person I met. More or less. Yeah. And you were telling me about some work that you'd done around a prayer practice called the examen, and that was the thing that I wanted to chat about particularly today.

Olga
Yeah.

Catherine
So that is about you've been talking about kind of encountering God's love in the midst of life, I guess. And you were talking about the fact that God's love is everywhere. And the examen is a way of praying that I think helps us to be more conscious of that. So do you want to give us a a bit of a definition of what it is for those people who've not heard of it before?

Olga
Well the examen is a 500 year old Ignatian practice. that has five steps in it and it is both a reflective practice and a spiritual discipline. It is 500 years old, but there are different versions of it and variations of it as well. So just to say that I lean into obviously a a Christian version of the exam and the Ignatian examen is Christian in its origin, but there has been in the last number of years a secular version that's been adapted as well and has been used in various contexts. So because it's a Reflective practice. It's able to be used in so many different contexts.

Catherine
Yeah.

Olga
To help people become more aware of themselves and what's going on and how to move forward. But then just considering what the steps are, the first step would be to become aware of the presence of a higher power. And In a Christian instance, that would be God, I would become aware of the trying God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. And the second step is then just as you still yourself in a quiet place and become aware of a higher power that you would take time to reflect over the last 24 hours. Usually the exam is done in a 24 hour period. But if you haven't done it before and you wanted to reflect on, you know, the last week or the last season or the last year, you could do that. It just means there's more ground to cover. So when you're in the rhythm of it, it would be reflecting on the the last 24 hours and giving thanks for that. And as a Christian it would be inviting the Holy Spirit to help you to review the 24 hours so that you don't go down sort of rabbit holes of thoughts and um get very distracted and all of that but that you would invite the Holy Spirit to help you to guide you through that reflection and that review. So the third step would be to review the good, to lean into what was good that you experienced in the last period of time. Ignatius would call these constellations like movements and uh towards an awareness of God where did you meet with God? Where did you become aware of his presence? As you reflect over the period of time, your awareness of God might not just be in things that would seem overtly good or where you would automatically see that you're receiving joy or experiencing positive emotions. It could be that you felt drawn towards God in a situation where you had an opportunity to maybe demonstrate something. Some kingdom fruit or like be kind towards somebody else or that you were challenged in a situation but you actually had an opportunity to respond in a way that reflects who God is at at work in your life. So they're the consolations, feeling connected to God yourself. Or others, feeling connected to your true self, feeling like aligned with yourself. feeling maybe an increase in faith or love or hope and having a sense of clarity or purpose even in difficulty and just encouraged to sort of keep me moving forward in your journey. So where did I meet you? That's step three. Step four is reviewing the things that don't seem as good. So thinking where did I miss you, God, acknowledging failures or struggles or feelings of being disconnected to God as a higher power or even to yourself and misaligned, not congruent within yourself. Ignatius would call these desolations, things that would move you away from God or disconnect you from the sense of living congruently or just that sense of, God, where where did I miss you? So a decrease in your faith or your hope or your love and um maybe a temptation to give in to old habits. So at the end of this understanding and sort of shining the light on what wasn't great, there's an opportunity then to bring that into the light. And from a Christian point of view, that would be to repent of areas where you felt like you had either intentionally or not intentionally just disconnected from God and to repent ask for and receive forgiveness and this is one of the sort of superpowers of what the examen is as I've looked at it, studied it and engaged in it, this part of actually having an opportunity to have a clean slate and go, okay As I reflect on this last period of time and what's been great and what hasn't been so great, actually taking ownership for your own part in it and asking for returning again to realigning yourself to how you want to live your life and receiving forgiveness so that you can actually move forward. And the final part is the grace to move forward. So that you actually are graced. um receiving gifts that are beyond yourself to move into the next day or the next season or the next phase. And so you It sort of draws a line in the sand and you receive what you need to move forward. The question would be, where do I need your help, Holy Spirit? So it's this cycle of returning. to go out into yourself so that you can not get stuck in things but be freed to move forward in life and to build.

Catherine
Hmm. Wonderful. So when did you first come across it, if you can remember that?

Olga
Hmm. So I did a spirituality module in a leadership masters I was doing and I think I came across it first then and Because it was a reflective practice and my brain was le is wired for leadership, it really connected with me. And then it was like a gift and as I explored it more I just realized how Amazing this was in terms of this cycle of returning and this opportunity to live with a short account and live free. And And then I delved into it more and I found all of the different variations in it. And then I it's sort of like that reticular activation system. Once you think about something or once you know about it, you see it everywhere. All of a sudden I kept seeing so many things about the exam. um in various um platforms from Lectio 365, they do a variation of that in the evening, to lots of different prayer materials. I was at a conference as well. It was a new one conference and Charlie Cleaverly came and spoke and he shared about using it as a resource for his congregation and I felt like he made it very accessible. He's the one who put the language around it for me. Like God, where did I meet you? Where did I miss you? Where do I need your help, Holy Spirit? And as I've worked with other people and shared this with them or introduced them to it in classes or retreats, they've really grabbed hold of those three key phrases. to help them to use it just in in an everyday way.

Catherine
Yeah. I think one of the things that has really attracted me to it, both for myself and for people that I've sort of journeyed with, is that invitation to find God in all of life, you know, in the good bit and the tricky bits. Because I I think sometimes we can be sort of quite focused on, well I'll I'll find God in my prayer time. but not necessarily thinking that we will find God outside of that. Whereas actually the invitation to find God in all things, I think, is really, really valuable.

Olga
Oh absolutely. Yeah. And that's the thing. It's about like living and leading an integrated whole life. Like the Deuteronomy 6, where it talks about the Shema, the prayer that the people of God prayed all the way through the Old Testament, and we're encouraged to pray daily. Hero Israel, the Lord our God is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and your soul and your strength. And the word that's used for strength there is Miyod. And it means your muchness. It means the integration of the fullness of who you are. So it isn't just like your physical strength or like a brute force. But it's saying like love God with the entirety of who you are, like the essence of yourself. And that's outworked in all aspects and of your life in all 24-7, it's not just visible through a prayer or an act or an action. It's it's a posture of your heart, you know. So that idea of living like really integrated lives. is really key to relating to God and feeling fully known and seen by Him. I think it's really important that we understand that's the invitation

Catherine
Yes. And there is something, isn't there, about what we discover about ourselves in that process of kind of bringing everything into the light, which sometimes takes quite a lot of courage actually. to think actually I'm not just going to run away from this day or this morning or or whatever period it is, but I'm actually going to attend to it And I've I've heard people talk about the fact that sometimes you can sort of notice patterns of these are the things that I have been noticing going on. And here are things which I wouldn't have spotted if I hadn't been spending time kind of reflecting. So it's an invitation to an inward spiritual practice and not just an outward kind of doing what everybody else thinks, but kind of, okay, what is it that's going on for me? And I think that can be really beautiful.

Olga
Absolutely. I totally agree. Yeah. That reflective piece is is key, you know. And it's like, you know, Psalm 139, it starts off with Oh Lord, you have searched my heart and you know me. And then David talks about how God knows every single thing about him. And then he has the confidence by the end to invite God to search him and know him. so that David can know himself in the presence of a loving God. And I think that's what the examen gives us the opportunity to engage in. God already fully sees all of us. Um we can bring our whole selves to him in prayer and in life, but it's actually to allow ourselves to see ourselves in the presence of a loving God. So our self-awareness is required to do the exam, but our self-awareness increases through doing the exam as well.

Catherine
Yeah, and you need to be confident, don't you, that it is a loving God in whose presence. you are looking at stuff. Otherwise it doesn't it doesn't feel as safe.

Olga
Yeah. And I think that goes back to what we were speaking about at the beginning, just like reframing an understanding the character of God and his nature to reclaim areas where God has been represented, not just in the world around us, but even in our own lives. And that's the journey of relationship, isn't it? Yeah.

Catherine
And as you say, there were different ways of doing it. I have been led by somebody in this practice who framed it as a treasure hunt. The idea that God had for each day has left us treasures to discover. And as you look back through the day, what are the treasures that God had left for you to discover? And that's her way of framing the consolations. that concept for me was really, really helpful and really beautiful. And the practice of reflecting um has then given me the opportunity to enjoy again or to experience or to spot some of the treasures that actually I wouldn't have appreciated quite as much if I hadn't done the reflecting

Olga
So good. I love that. Yeah. There's a a lady, a writer called Alyssa Schole, and she has written about in the process of Lent or fasting. that like you would give up regret or give up things that you might think are are are negative things. Like each day there's a different thing that you're you're giving up and offering up to God. So um one of the things he talks about is Praise, if you're given praise during the day, that you would gather the praise and you would like offer it to God like as an a pose at the end of the day. And it's sort of Like we were speaking about the treasures that you encounter as you reflect on the day and think, oh wow, I there were so many treasures. Some of them I recognized as I was going and others I just recognize it now. think the examen is an amazing opportunity for yeah, treasure hunting and for laying down burdens.

Catherine
Hmm. Yes, I I like that imagery of laying down burdens because Otherwise we can end up kind of carrying things with us, can't we? Yeah. I have to admit that it's not something which I do as a daily practice. So I don't get as much out of it as I might if I kind of sat down every day to do it. But actually doing things imperfectly and infrequently, kind of There are still benefits from that, I think.

Olga
There are great benefits. Obviously, the more that consistent that we are with the practice, the more benefits there are. So it but if we do them periodically, there's still benefits, just like you said. I love that that the reality that we do most things imperfectly. So just even from, you know, from studies and research into the exam, it there's so much evidence to the benefits of practicing regularly, like reduced stress and reduced anxiety. increased connection with others, decreased depression, increased gratitude, reduction of cravings in addiction. Oh my goodness. Yeah. Reduced self-focus, increased sense of meaning of life, increased focus on God, increased positive emotions and increased resilience. And this has all been researched. There's amazing benefits to the consistent practice of the exam and it it doesn't always have to be that you do it on your own and you know initially it was designed to be done on your own as a reflective practice but it can be facilitated in a group people in a group doing it individually but also even maybe an accountability group where you are doing it on your own but you've got this sense of checking in in c and accountability when you're developing a rhythm or habit, especially when you want to see the beneficial effects of it, especially as it's worked out in therapeutic settings, because that's where it is employed these days as well, which is really great

Catherine
Mm. I'm just thinking about the kind of the the depth of relationship that would develop in in that kind of group community relational setting, talking about stuff because inevitably you'll be talking really deeply about what's going on for you internally, that kind of, you know, that part of ourselves that we often don't share with others.

Olga
The knowing that we can bring them into the light in the presence of a loving God. Often our understanding of that is by being able to bring it into the light in the presence of loving people, you know? And sort of that like our Christianity being outworked incarnationally or our faith being worked out in a way that's very sort of embodied and tangible. So it is it is really important. There's There were studies that were done for ministers and clergy and their being able to engage in the process collectively really helped their resilience. So there were marked improvements in their resilience. And their connection to each other through engaging with the exam and wow.

Catherine
So I know that you did some research into this. Do you want to tell us a little bit about what led you to do that and who you did it with?

Olga
Yeah, so I did it as part of my master's programme. It was my thesis at the end. I have a real passion about spiritual formation and leadership. And I feel like in the last however long, maybe the last 20 years, that we've really in many spaces have embraced um a corporate model of leadership development. And when we're looking at church leaders and people in ministry, spiritual formation is essential. I think that in some instances was dropped given less emphasis, you know, while people were focused on corporate leader development. So in in wanting to sort of like redress the balance and bring it back to, yes, leader development is awesome, but spiritual formation is essential for those in ministry. I wanted the focus of my research and my thesis to be on spiritual formation and its impact on leader development. So then that was too broad and we brought it down to a practice. And I think because the examen is both a reflective practice which I mean reflective practice is esteemed and used across disciplines. So it's its benefits are are many and they're recognized. But then because the examen is not just as um a reflective practice, but it's a spiritual discipline, it was like the ideal tool for me to use. And then it just became a gift because it's such a wonderful practice. and it has such longevity and it's got a biblical basis and there's been so much written and done in relation to the examen. So my research was researching what's already been written about it and being studied. I won't go into too much of the details, but um at about like 156 sources of of um of information and different research pieces that I was using. So studied how it was used in the medical practice with social workers in the workplace in education. lots in ministry training and also now how it's being used in therapy and recovery. That's sort of what I focused on and There has been like a resurgence in the use of the exam. I think post COVID a lot of people have jumped on different app. to engage in spirituality and the examen's been included in lots of things from practicing the way to lots of 24-7 prayer have been using the exam as well and more people have been exposed to it through that. So I guess the three key findings from the research were when people are consistently engaging in the practice that it does increase their self-awareness. That's very key in leadership. effective leaders are self-aware. I think that invitation to become aware of yourself in the presence of God is a gift and it's something that, yeah, it does increase the more that you practice it. So You need self-awareness to engage in the process, but your self-awareness will increase and that can only help us in our relationships with others and ourself. And see ourselves where we truly are. And increased humility was another finding, which is a critical attribute of effective leaders as well. And it's a mark of Those who are following the footsteps of Jesus. He was marked by humility. And this is another attribute that increases as people engage in the practice of the exam. And the last sort of key finding was just that heightened awareness of a higher power and just that invitation to not live life in your own strength. So there there's some of the findings. There's many more in terms of, you know, its impact in whole person development. And I mentioned some of those things before, just this psychosocial benefits. But there's just little tasters of the benefits of engaging in this practice. And it doesn't have to take you know, a really long period of time, you can you can practice the examen within in 15 minutes and it can be very beneficial to you. Often people will do it at the end of the day, after dinner, sometimes before sleep. Ignatius initially encouraged the Jesuits that were in training to practice it in the morning in medical practices or in social work, the studies that were done, it was in the workplace. carried out midday so it sort of realigns you to your purpose in the middle of the day. I think it's it's a practice you can use at whatever point in the day that's going to work best for you. to come back to yourself again and um find strength to move forward into the next hour and the next day or the next season.

Catherine
That's brilliant. Thank you. So it it's really interesting that this very ancient practice has found so many applications and has been so helpful. And it's relatively simple, isn't it?

Olga
It's very simple and I think We love to complicate things and it is really simple and its potency is in sort of the authenticity of the user. So if we can be brave and bold to really see and I think not getting distracted or totally discouraged by things that you might find within yourself or things that have happened in the day that disappoint you, but understanding that a new opportunity awaits and that there is grace for a new day. the opportunity to have a clean slate is so powerful. Our our challenges don't have to and build up and and come with us into tomorrow, into each new day, because there is a grace to be received and there is mercy for a new day. And this is a gift that we can engage with that helps us to not just know that in theory. but to live it in practice and to be able to receive in a different way. I think our bodies will be thankful for us not carrying the weight and worries and challenges. of a season or of a day into tomorrow. And we get to rest and enter into rest. It's a beautiful thing to do at the end of the day. So we can lay down the day and you know, hand it back to the one who gave it to us.

Catherine
Hmm. That's a beautiful way of putting it. Thank you. Anything else about this that you feel has been left unsaid?

Olga
Sort of reiterating what we said that it's this invitation to live integrated. I think that's where true growth and freedom happens that um we don't have to hide things, that when they're brought into the light, they become part of the light. And we can be courageous in acknowledging things that we might feel we don't want to be associated with or we want to pretend never happened or we don't want to have connected with who we are and yet They are connected with who we are. They're part of what we're currently doing. But to move forward and to become free, we need to acknowledge those things. So there's a great freedom in bringing things into the light. and being able to find courage and freedom and forgiveness and wholeness to move forward from those things. And I think the effectiveness of the examen is based on our authentic engagement in the practice. Yeah, it's a gift. It's got so many benefits in it. It's free and I engage in the exam myself and I do it to varying degrees at different times and I think it's one of the biggest things that's helped me to move forward in my own life and Yeah, bring my full self to God and then be able to acknowledge my full self to myself and bring my full self to others in relationship. So it does have it does have um a knock-on effect. So I would encourage people to give it a go.

Catherine
Wonderful. Wonderful. Thank you very much. That's been really, really helpful. So finally, do you just want to run us through very, very quickly the five steps again.

Olga
Yeah, so the five steps of the examen is number one, to become aware of the presence of God. So find a quiet space. where you can be alone and become aware of the presence of God or higher power. Number two is to review the last 24 hours or the period of time. I would encourage you to invite the Holy Spirit to Help you to review that time so you don't go down rabbit holes and review it with thanks. Step three is to become aware of what was good about the last 24 hours, consolations, moments when you felt drawn to God, congruent within yourself and aligned with who you are, and to give thanks for those. The fourth step would be to become aware of times when you felt not congruent in yourself and desolations, things that drew you away from the presence of God. and your awareness of God and to acknowledge those things, bring them into the light, to repent of those things, to make a decision that you would turn away from them and as you turn towards God to receive forgiveness. for those things so that you're have a capacity to move forward. And the final step is to receive the grace to move forward into a new day and into the next season.

Catherine
Wonderful. Thank you very much. That's been brilliant. Thank you.

Olga
Thank you.

[Music fades in]
Hope you enjoyed this episode of the Loved Call Gifted Podcast. If you'd like to get in touch, you can email lovedcallgifted@gmail.com. You can find a transcript of this podcast at lovedcalledgifted.com and that's also the place to go if you're interested in the Loved Called Gifted course, or if you'd like to find out about spiritual direction or coaching. Thank you for listening.